Although all my kids are pretty special, there are two that currently shine the brightest. Don’t get me wrong…my others will have their moment to shine, too. But for now, these two take front and center. And to be frank, they deserve it. They are my greatest assets, one of the big secrets to my success. They are my two oldest, my girls…nearly 15 and 13, although in many ways mature beyond their years. I have poured into them the longest and they have learned to shoulder the most weight. I know them better than anyone and they know me just as well. They are quickly becoming two of my best friends and confidants. They are so beautiful, inside and out. And it’s sometimes hard to share them with people.
They aren’t allowed to date yet and I’m relieved. The longer I can hold out on monitoring boundaries and mending broken hearts, the better. Personally, I don’t think any boy deserves either one of them. But I’m a little biased. At the very least, he’ll have to prove his worth to me and their dad, and that road will be a long one.
We have what most consider to be a very large family. Ten kids is more than most parents can (or want to) handle. We get accolades often from those who think we have it all together. The truth is, we have inside help. No, we don’t have any family living nearby (much to our disappointment). But after over a decade of intensive training, older siblings naturally become very adept and capable at caring for younger ones. This has been the case with our girls.
In 2018, I was on bedrest for a few months (mostly at home but then five weeks in the hospital), awaiting the birth of our triplets. Between my driven, multitasking husband and my two girls, they kept life rolling. Although our house was far from perfect (that hasn’t changed), all the kids were kept safe, fed, bathed, and clothed. Meals were cooked and clothes were washed. Rambunctious boys were kept in check. Clutter abounded, but hearts were happy and needs were met.
Sometimes I worry that I rely on my girls too much. I’ve let them know I want them to always be open and honest with me, telling me if they feel something is overwhelming or unfair. We talk very openly about balancing family expectations and their need for personal freedom. They know they can voice anything to me, and they do. For this I’m thankful.
Aaron and I have been relentlessly training up our boys to take over more responsibility and help their older sisters shoulder the weight. For some reason, it takes our four boys (11, 9, 7, 7) ten times longer to learn, to remember, and to apply. Because of this, tasks often default back to their big sisters. I fight against this tendency because 1) the boys need to step it up, and 2) the girls need time for other things.
Since life has settled into a more manageable routine with the triplets being nine months old now (we’re moving beyond survival mode), I’m being more intentional to start the ‘letting go’ process of our girls. My desire for all my kids is that they grow to be godly, independent, and confident adults with a broad worldview. My belief is that this is best achieved by letting them fly frequently out of the nest and back in again for rest and reconnection. This process doesn’t happen overnight once a child turns 18 and goes out into the world on their own. It must begin as soon as they are responsible enough to leave the nest for short periods and return unharmed. For my girls, I found this stage began around age 11-12.
Compared to most of our daughters’ friends, much is expected of them. They have four rowdy brothers, a two-year-old sister and nine-month-old triplet siblings. As a result, they’re relied on for household chores and babysitting a lot. However, they need their own lives, too.
So, this summer, we encouraged them to fly a bit. The two of them went on a church missions trips to Guam and the Philippines for two weeks (really cool story to follow!). They go to youth group every Wednesday night to hang out with friends. We’re traveling to Michigan for a family reunion then out to the East coast to spend time with family and attend camp with their cousins. They’ve had many sleepovers and playdates. I’ve dropped them off to go shopping and to movie theaters with close friends (a big trust thing for me). I’ve also been driving them to our church the past couple of weeks for community service, cleaning out closets and painting rooms.
Other parents may think this is just normal ‘kid’ stuff, a part of growing up. I get it. But for our big family, this is a big sacrifice. Time without our girls here means the rest of us have to step it up. But, there’s a silver lining. We’ve been very intentional this summer to train our boys in handling babies and caring for them responsibly. We now have three boys who can feed babies, prop bottles, change diapers (somewhat), and entertain a toddler. They’re growing in their skills and willingness to help. This is good for everyone.
Parenting is hard. Just when you think you have a good handle on things, something changes. A kid grows older and expects to be treated differently. Older age means needs change. The need for conversation and trust replaces the need for cuddles and play. I love that. I love seeing my older kids growing into adults before my eyes. It makes me realize how all the little things we did along the way, the things that felt monotonous or exhausting, were so worth it.
I realize they will be ready to fly out of the nest for good before I’m ready for them to leave. I know this is natural and it’s a good thing. I’m trying to be okay with that. Although I admit I’m not okay with it yet, I’m satisfied that during the summer of 2019, I embraced the process of letting go. And for now, I think that’s enough.